Happy 3rd Birthday baby girl

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy, The others

My sweet little girl, you are three. How time have flied by so quickly. Being the youngest and the only girl sure has perks and you are loved by everyone. Although you are lucky, we are the lucky ones having you in our lives. You take my mind off being sad by simply being you. Who wouldn’t love it when you come by and ask do you know that I love you and give me the sweetest hug with your little hands wrapping around my neck. You are such a sassy girl full of attitude. Although it is too much most of the time but I love every part of it. Love the way you cry and love how you feel that you are the boss of everyone. I’m not sure your brothers feel the same way when you hit them when you don’t get your way. I’m blessed that you are so clever and smart. Holding conversations with you make me realize how much I wish I can have the same with Jay. The ease I have with you also makes me realize how much easier it is without autism. I don’t have the same fear with you because you listen and I can trust that you can stand next to me for a few second without worrying you will dash away. Although you are very young, I know autism still affects you. On days Jay have a bad day we might change our plans to accommodate him. This […]

Happy 5th birthday Jay

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy

Wow were do I even begin. How is it even possible that you are 5. I might just change my site to letterstomybabies instead of caringautism. I’ve been meaning to write this letter for some time but with COVID things are just so busy. 5 is a small, but yet a big number. When we started our autism journey, I read so much about when will autistic children speak and they say usually by age 5 if verbal. I’ve learned not to put an age limit on your speech. I’ve learned that speech and communication is not the same and what I really want is for you to communicate. I’ve learned there are many ways of communications. That communication is more than words. You’ve come a long way in your communication and we are doing very well with your Proloquo2go. I’m blown away at what you know and constantly amazed by how smart you are. The big 5 is really emotional for me as my fears of you growing stronger and running faster is kicking in. I can no longer hold you down when you go into a melt down to try to calm you. I have to try really hard to catch up to you when you run. I’ve considered not giving you so much food but who doesn’t like it when you are full and happy and all giggly. It also doesn’t help when you go on food strike and I feel the need for you to make […]

Jayden update: 2 years since diagnosis

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy, Struggles

We got the official in November 2016 so its been a tad over two years. Jay turns 5 in about 5 month. Potty training: I’m proud to say he is potty trained and still wears night diapers. We started potty training him fully at age 3 and at that time if I’m honest I wasn’t sure how successful we will be. This potty training journey has its up and down and still does but I’m so extremely proud of this little fellow. For starter at least there is less poo smearing mess to deal with. That is a win in my books even if it is one less a day but now this boy just gets up and goes himself. I am sorry that I underestimated you, thought we will be cleaning poo with toothpicks for so long. I am so thankful beyond words can describe. I’m unsure why he is refusing to pee some days but when he does we offer him more water and bring him more frequently. Also keeping an eye out on unusual behaviour. Eating: He’s always been a good eater but the past few months he would rotate in a cycle of food strike then eats very well and back again. He clearly has his favorite but getting him to eat it at school is just a different story. School: He finally got a full time teacher who happens to be the temp teacher. He is adjusting well there but I would pretty much say […]

When the older one acts up, he reveals sadness

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Struggles, The others

The big one was acting out the other day and I stood my grounds and sent him to his room so he can calm down. Clearly it wasn’t enough calm down time but I went in anyways to chat. He goes off saying it’s the end of the world and how he’s right. He then says how I think he is useless. Woah, that wasn’t the first time he said it and I got the drill how he’s guilting me but then he goes off saying how I’m always spending time with his baby sister or Jay. There’s clearly some jealousy there and I’m not sure why he would think I think he is useless. He’s my everything and useless is not a word I would ever use to describe this child of mine. I was hurt with his thought. I tried to explained to him he is not useless. I even pulled up my blog and showed him how proud I am of him. When your children outnumber you, someone will feel left out. Maybe he’s over dramatic or maybe I have to step it up. We haven’t been doing Mason days lately because I signed him up for soccer and basketball sessions the time we normally do it. I cancelled those two activities so we can start Mason day again. We will also try putting sister to bed earlier that way I’m free to tuck him in bed and can spend more time asking him how his day […]

Happy 2nd birthday my princess

Posted Leave a commentPosted in The others

My my, how did time fly by so quickly. I really want to slow down time and just enjoy you being so little a bit longer. I absolutely love you at this age. You are sweet, sassy, fun, giggly, and also mean but cute. You are such a little brat and crybaby and I’m unsure how your brothers tolerate you to be honest. You use to get Jay crying so often every time you scream with your little high pitch voice, well he still cry but not as often. You are welcome to grow out of that as I don’t like it very much either. My love, you have no idea the joy you bring to our lives. You are so smart and interactive that I love hanging out with you, not that I don’t love hanging out with your brothers but you are so fun. You are so advance in your language skills and although I was sad at one point when I compared you with J, I am now happy to hear you yap on and on. You see, language is something I no longer take for granted. I desperately want to hear words from all of you. Go on and talk as much as you want. I find it a bit bittersweet as I want you to stay little but at the same time it will or should be easier when you are a bit older. For start, we’ve always wanted Mase to have a sibling to […]

Happy Birthday my beautiful 4 year old

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy

J where do mommy even start? You are such a beautiful soul and when you smile you light up my whole world. There is something about your smile that just makes everything better. I want to wish you a very happy birthday and want to let you know words cannot express my love for you. Mommy is so sorry and wishes there’s more she can do for you when you get into your sad spells. Watching you hurt yourself brings tremendous pain to me more than you can ever imagine. As you are growing, so does your strength and I know those punches must hurt. Whatever frustrates you so much for the need to hurt yourself must be hard. Mommy wishes she can take that away from you and if she could, she would do it as fast as a heart beat. Sometimes, I’m likely the cause of your frustrations because I’m not understanding your way of communication. Please know that I’m trying very hard and please be patient with us. Being non verbal is difficult but together we will learn and find a way of communicating even without words. You’ve come such a long way and I want you to know how very proud we are. Turning 4 means you start school this fall. It’s a big milestone and I’m not sure I’m ready for this one. I know you will figure it all out like you always do and I fully trust that you will but there are […]

To the world’s best big brother

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy, The others

This one is dedicated to my oldest child, you never fail to amaze me and I’m left speechless. You are truly mature beyond your age and I’m the proudest mama alive. I never expected you to take care of your siblings the way you do. Today you took your Jay to use the potty all by yourself. It was so good you caught a success because those are the best and I’m super happy it made you feel so proud of yourself. You should be so proud of yourself because I am so proud of you. This was the first time ever you taken Jay to use the washroom and I never expected you to but you been keeping track of when his last pee was and thought to yourself it is about time he goes. Seriously how does a 6 year old keep track of his little brother’s toilet schedule? I know your brother’s autism affects you more than I can imagine and I’m worried about that all the time. You actually told your friend’s mom that you are so tired because Jay wakes you up at night. This was news to me as I always assumed you slept through it. I’m unsure if you said that because you wanted to sleep over at their house or maybe you do get waken up by his cries and screams. We had a talk and you are instructed to tell us every time you get waken up by Jay. I’ll now […]

The best PA day date ever

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy, The others

For those who read my letters to my oldest, you know how sweet my child is. Today was such a sweet day for me. He’s off on his PA day so we went to his parent interview early and had plans to do lunch and tobogganing. We were both so excited about it. He got to choose the food and before we left the house he turned to me and said mommy I’ll pay for lunch today. We recently opened a bank account for him and he got one of those debit Visa card. He’s been all about saving and not wanting to use his money so he can save. I thought it was amazing he wanted to offer but he really wanted to buy me lunch so I let him. My 6 year old child wants to buy me lunch. I chuckled but my heart literally melted to the floor. We got to the restaurant and he looked at the menu and decided what he wanted. He did change his mind a minute in but he made the decision all on his own. We had a great lunch and he said all the right things. He ended up paying and was so proud of himself. In reality, I was the proudest one. This boy will be one fine young man when he grows up. The person he finds to spend the rest of his life with will be the luckiest person alive. As we were wrapping up, Jay’s school […]

Kisses from him makes me want to freeze the time and enjoy the moments just a bit longer

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy, Sleeping Issues, Struggles, The others

It’s been a while since I made an update. We have started a Hanen Program called More Than Words through Adventure place, the City of Toronto’s speech services. It has been great and but a bit repetitive for me since I just finished the DVD. The book and DVD is available through Hanen’s website or even online on Amazon. It is also available at your local public library which is where I got mine. It teaches you ways to communicate with your child and you watch videos of other families as real life examples. More on this later but back to my medication for the day. Yesterday was a rough night where the hubby was sick so I put JB to bed. I was planning for an early night to catch up on some sleep but let’s just say there was very little sleeping. I use to put JB to bed too but its been a while since I’ve done that. I completely forgot how exhausting it is. He plays and jumps and moves around before settling in which is fine if he doesn’t hurt me. I think I got two good whack where I literally saw stars. They were more like sparks of light but I see why people say they see stars. No jokes this boy is gaining strength by the day. My energy level was drained out so fast I think I fell asleep before he did. He didn’t sleep till midnight and after he slept, my […]

On a freezing night like tonight, this warms my heart.

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy

We were just hanging out like any other night and play learning with Mrs. Potato Head. You then hear him sing head and shoulders knees and toes. I was overjoyed beyond words. In fact, I think I was close to tears. He was pointing to the Mrs. Potato Head’s head then shoulders, knees and toes. He even pointed to the eyes, ears, mouth and nose. Of course I didn’t have my phone to record all this and when the hubby joined after putting the big one to bed he was like I don’t hear it. The hubby did hear it after a few times and listening really carefully. The best part was JB sat on my lap later and started pointing to my head, shoulders, knees and toes. I wish I was able to freeze that moment as it was so interactive and touching. I know it may not sound like much but we celebrate everything from a word apple to a kiss every single time. Raising a non-verbal autistic child makes us not to take anything for granted. I am excited and amazed each and every day with JB. From him holding my fingers to point at what he wants to approximation of real words. This child of mine is truly amazing. My heart was so warm and fuzzy it could be minus weather and I’m still floating on cloud nine. Hopefully catch it on video next time to share with you guys.


Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy, tips

When things get real hard and a series of unfortunate events pile on one after another, go ahead to vent or cry or whatever method of expression. Take the time given the situation. Sometimes you may only have a few minutes and your kids need you. In those situations if you feel you need more than a few minutes maybe it’s a good idea to call for help. Not everyone has help but if you do I suggest you take full advantage of it. Some days all I need is a few long sighs, sometimes after a long day of battles as I lay down to reflect on the day a good cry makes me feel better. However crying makes my eyes all puffy the next morning, so I try not to do that anymore. I’m not going to lie, I worry about his future a lot. Will he be independent enough to go to school next year, will he make any friends at school, will there be bullies to make him feel sad, how will he communicate this to me when he is non verbal, will he be able to find a job, drive a car, cook on his own, find a girlfriend and get married, the list does go on and on. I know the same questions could be asked of a child without autism. All these uncertainty that comes with autism it is hard not to worry. I’m coming to terms with the uncertainty and taking it […]

Happy Day

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy, Sleeping Issues

Week two of new daycare but the place call themselves “school”. We did a 6 week summer try out and was happy so we decided to continue trying it. He had a one to one for the summer program so everything was good. Last week was first week of “school” and they implemented a gradual schedule where Wednesday, Thursday and Friday is only for 3 hours. This is officially week two but also first full day. Overall he seems very happy when daddy picked up and even napped on way back. He woke up from nap himself so wasn’t his grumpy self when we have to wake him. Ate his dinner happy and was giggling all night. Love love love his happy days. Wish he can only have happy days forever. Love watching him play when the other two kiddies are sleeping. Even caught a video of him spinning in circle and posted it on Instagram. Too happy and excited before bed and looks like he’s going to struggle to go sleep. My sweet child, please sleep soon.

Bad night or would you call it super early morning

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Sleeping Issues, Struggles

JB woke up at 3am and started crying bloody hell. I guess he couldn’t fall back asleep and for was ready to start the day. Start the day he did with the husband but unfortunately he woke up baby sister and she  was ready to start the day too. Bad sleep must be contagious because she  woke up on the hour and while clearly still sleepy she was ready to go play. While I got more sleep than the husband it was restless sleep where I’m not fully sleeping. Why must these kids try to kill their mom and dad by waking so early? When JB is angry he stays angry for a while and sound proof walls can’t contain his noise or that the contractor lied and either put the crappiest sound proof. It’s been a while since his last episode, looking back I’m not sure how we survived 1-4 bad nights a week or very week. The worse was when he has the bad nights back to back where we have 8 bad nights in a roll. Guess I’ll gladly take the occasional bad nights. Still love him to the moon and back.    

You never get use to your child crying at night

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Sleeping Issues, Struggles

Some stuff gets easier as the days go by and you learn how to deal with it but the truth is you will never get use to your child crying at night. It deeply saddens me the number of nights per week this child of mine cries for. I wish very much I can take away whatever frustration you are experiencing as a good night sleep is so crucial for your little growing body. You just need a good sleep to have a chance to have a good day. JB been mastering peeing but the next step is to work on communicating to us when he needs to go. Poo on the other hand, not there yet. I’m still super excited to see him successfully pee in the potty. I’m so proud of him. Go to sleep soon my love. Tomorrow is a new day to play and learn.

Toilet Training Day 1

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Sleeping Issues, Struggles

JB’s behaviour therapy team thinks that we should try out this aggressive toilet training method. I took a look at it and although it seems very intense, I figured we’ll give it a try. They charged me more for a at home service and the therapist came in today for two and an half hour. She started at level one and after she left I tried very hard to stick to it. In fact I did till dinner time where I was more relaxed with it as it was impossible to have him eat for 5 minutes at a time. So the idea is 10 minutes on the toilet and 5 minutes off. I know that’s crazy and trust me when the timer went off I thought ummm. I just pulled him off the toilet. At one point he was getting angry and grumpy so we gave him a bit of a break. We then modified the time to 15 off 10 on. You can read more on the plan under staying organized and tips. Progress for the day: Started at 9 am and ended at 8:15pm where I was just exhausted. We got one semi successful session and 5 accidents. I say semi because he was getting angry so we used iPad as reinforcer. Training a boy is harder considering his pee went wild and instead of toilet it went right onto the iPad. I know, that was disgusting and I made sure we sanitized everything twice. We have […]

To my 3 year old son JB

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy

Despite how hard it is raising you, I want to thank you for making me a better person. You brought out strength I never knew I had, patient I can only dreamed of having, love that is deeper than the ocean, sympathy that I feel humbled I have. You have given me so much and for that I am grateful. You have turned me into a human I’m proud to be. Words cannot express how thankful I am to have you in my life. I want you to look back at this letter and know that you made me a better person. The hardest part about your autism is me thinking you are in some kind of pain and I have no idea how to help you. I absolutely hate hearing you bawl your eyes out and hate it even more when you hurt yourself when you are frustrated. If mommy can take that all away, she will without any hesitation. Deciding to have you, your brother and sister will forever be one of the best decisions in my life. The joy you bring in my life out-weighs the challenges, you have no idea how much I love you. Yes, autism comes with lots of challenges and the struggle is real, but with it, you have taught me true unconditional love. You will always be my baby boy and I will always be there for you. No matter how hard the road will get you will always have my shoulders […]