To my 3 year old son JB

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy

Despite how hard it is raising you, I want to thank you for making me a better person. You brought out strength I never knew I had, patient I can only dreamed of having, love that is deeper than the ocean, sympathy that I feel humbled I have. You have given me so much and for that I am grateful. You have turned me into a human I’m proud to be. Words cannot express how thankful I am to have you in my life. I want you to look back at this letter and know that you made me a better person. The hardest part about your autism is me thinking you are in some kind of pain and I have no idea how to help you. I absolutely hate hearing you bawl your eyes out and hate it even more when you hurt yourself when you are frustrated. If mommy can take that all away, she will without any hesitation. Deciding to have you, your brother and sister will forever be one of the best decisions in my life. The joy you bring in my life out-weighs the challenges, you have no idea how much I love you. Yes, autism comes with lots of challenges and the struggle is real, but with it, you have taught me true unconditional love. You will always be my baby boy and I will always be there for you. No matter how hard the road will get you will always have my shoulders […]


Posted Leave a commentPosted in Sleeping Issues, Struggles

He bawls as if this is the end of the world. I’m pretty sure he was upset tonight because he wasn’t able to take all the circular foam mats upstairs to bed with him. The hubby let him take two which is manageable. These circle forms are about 12 inches in diameter so needless to say it’s impossible to take them all to bed. Boy was it a crying battle tonight. Baby girl was equally as upset. She put up a fight almost as hard as JB. It amazes me how Mase can sleep through all that. Thankfully that boy slept through it all, at least someone gets a good night rest. I forecast a bad night so I should get some snoozing when I can. Hope you are having a better night then us.

On cloud 9 even though I was exhausted

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Happy, Sleeping Issues, Struggles, The others

Extreme exhaustion today. JB was up from 3-7am crying, so….. nobody slept well. Mase woke up at 7:20am just when I fell back asleep. I went to Mase’s room so he wouldn’t be too loud and wake up the others and literally fell asleep instantly. He woke me at 8 saying it’s 8am. I got a few more mins while I send him to brush his teeth. My two minutes was an extra 15 whole minutes (yay). Mase heard Hailey wake up so he checked on her and discovered she pooed out of her shirt.  I dashed over so quick that my head started spinning since he was screaming and I thought she was on the edge of the bed or something dangerous. Poor kid waited an hour before I gave him breakfast and he gobbled it down quickly. He is the world’s best 5 year old (most of the time lol). I thanked him for letting me sleep in and being so good this am. He ate breakfast quickly, got dressed himself and didn’t throw a fit so needless to say I was so proud and happy. Listen to this, he even promised to be a good boy and will eat all his lunch today, tomorrow and EVERYDAY.  I was so proud I got teary. Lots of snuggles, hugs and kisses this am and think he enjoyed all the praises and attention. Gosh I don’t know how I struck gold having him but I’m so proud to call him […]

Sleepy + Hungry + Angry = Shangry

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Sleeping Issues, Struggles

No nap means we should change plans and prepare for a grumpy toddler. Of course, we trek through and don’t change our plans but end up suffering. He was grumpiest to the max. Shangry is real and let’s just say you never want to see him sleepy + hungry + angry. It’s the worse possible combination and EVERYBODY suffers. We canceled last weekend’s dinner invite from a close friend due to an ice storm. Yes you read correctly it was an ice storm in the middle of April. What is going on with the weather??? Where is my spring? I hate winter and so ready to put this behind us. So this dinner was already rescheduled and the big one has been looking forward to visiting because he gets to play games there. JB was just not having it and was crying/throwing a fit. Had to leave early as it was getting too miserable for all of us. On the bright side he slept real quick from 9pm-8am. That was one of the better nights in terms of sleeping. The boys both sounded asleep at 9 and we decided to catch a movie. Watched “All the money in the world”. Good movie but likely will regret the next day staying up till midnight. Every night is unpredictable and what a gamble we took.

A litre of tears

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Sleeping Issues, Struggles

Why must you be so upset. Only if you can use words or somehow show me what it is, that is bothering you. Or somehow show me how to comfort you. I’m heartbroken hearing you cry because maybe you are in pain or suffering. I hate nights where you endlessly bawl your eyes out. I know you must be so frustrated and exhausted. I would be too if I can’t get my needs and wants expressed. Only if I can take your frustration away, I wouldn’t think twice and do it in a heartbeat. It’s so hard to hear your baby cry for hours upon hours and feel like you can’t do anything. I know just being there and ensuring he is not hurting himself and offering my lap and shoulder is good but it is also so hard. As I am bouncing him on a yoga ball to calm him down, tears would roll down my eyes. A litre of tears will roll down before he falls asleep in my arms.

A lost duck swimming

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Sleeping Issues, Struggles

I cannot begin to tell you how hard it is hearing your baby cry and maybe suffer but you have no idea what is bothering him or if he is possibly in any pain. I find myself constantly watching him to see if I can pickup clues of what got him frustrated. Most of the time I can see or at least guess but there times where I have no clue and feel feel like a lost duck. Swimming around endlessly hoping to comfort him so he would stop bawling and get some sleep. He’s only 2, he needs sleep to grow and learn. The idea of being helpless is so devastating. I watch him get frustrated and fall to the ground and hurt his knees. When that happens he gets more frustrated because he is now in pain. If I can take away his frustration I would do it in a heartbeat.

Horrible night

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Sleeping Issues, Struggles, The others

Horrible night as he was extremely upset at something. The hardest part of autism is seeing him bawl his eyes out because it makes me so deeply sad. Something must be bothering him to a point he wants to hang his head to calm down. I read that is a coping mechanism as it takes their mind of whatever it is that is bothering them. Everyone has coping mechanisms, but watching your child hurt himself as a way to cope with something that is more painful than the self inflicting pain is simply too hard to bear. All the unknown, of why and what is going on in his head. I wish I can get a glimpse of what’s going on and offer some help. He is just a baby, my baby and I feel I’m failing to offer him the protection I want him to have. The struggle is too real and often too painful. I know, I know, you can’t bubble, shelter or even baby someone forever but he is just 2 years old. This husband of mine is so strong, I only wish I can have 10% of his strength. He always has the right encouraging word to make things just a tad better. I need the reminder that our JB will be alright and he just had a bad night like everyone else. He’s asleep now and he will be fine tomorrow. What on earth will I do without this husband of mine?