HappyThe others

To my 5 year old son, Mase

Thank you my love for being who you are. You are truly such a wonderful child  and such a delight to be  around. I love your sassy demeanour and your outgoing attitude. You are funny, gentle, smart, brave, kind, loving and simply just perfect. I couldn’t ask for a better child and you have no idea how much I love you. Words truly cannot express the love I have for you and your siblings.

You are way more mature than your age when it comes to responsibilities and things you know.  You are honestly the best brother ever. Not only are you gentle with your brother and sister, you are so understanding and caring. When we found out your brother has autism, we started teaching you what autism was and without even telling you that’s what JB has you were able to make the connection yourself. I was shocked one day to hear you say oh it’s because JB has autism.

Your brother has been always difficult but before your sister was born at least you had the one on one time with either mommy or daddy. After your sister was born, the attention had to be divided once again. Jealousy is defiantly a factor and I suppose it is inevitable with more siblings. When I see it loud and clear, I feel bad that I’m not able to give you more. You have no idea how much it hurts me knowing that you felt left out. Some days it is very hard when both your brother and sister is crying so we rush through your bedtime story or activities. I understand that just because you are not crying out loud doesn’t mean that you don’t need my time. I try and will always continue to give you the one on one time.

It’s no secret to you that I come to your room after you sleep to snuggle and watch you sleep. Some nights, as I’m brushing your hair back with my fingers and telling you how much I love you, you wake up and reply I love you too. You are such a deep sleeper, how do you manage to wake up and hug me back? Some nights you are dead asleep and likely don’t realized I was there. Funny thing, you believe that I sleep with you every night until your sister cries and I have to go feed her. I do try to do it every night as I enjoy the quiet moments with you but there are nights I’m simply too exhausted.

I want you to know that you are equally as important as your siblings. I love you all, and just because my time is spent nursing your sister or calming your brother ,doesn’t mean I love you any less. Having you was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life and although motherhood is extremely hard at times, I wouldn’t change a thing. You, your brother and sister along with your daddy gives me a purpose to continue trekking through even on the hardest days. Your laughter and hugs are the cure to my stress. Your beautiful smile makes me realize that everything will be okay. I find it so hard to be mad at you when you say sorry with your puppy eyes and give me your big hug. I suppose you have learned my weak spot and know how to take advantage of me. I know your tricks very well but I continue to fall for it each and every time not because you are good at it but because I want to. There were so many times I said no but I really wanted to say yes. If you pursue just a tad harder, I would of given up.  Of course, I don’t expect you to be reading this any time soon so it is okay to reveal my weak spot.

My baby, I know that being the oldest child isn’t easy one bit. Being the oldest child in a family with an autistic brother and a new baby sister is even harder. I know it is unfair that I am spending more time with your sister and your daddy is spending more time with your brother. We are trying the hardest to give you the attention you deserve. I will admit there are many days where I feel I didn’t give you as much as I want, and I’m so sorry for that. I’m sorry for giving you so much responsibilities for just a 5 year old. I am sorry that your brother and sister constantly destroy your creation of magnatiles and lego and artwork and books and just about everything they feel the need to destroy. Mommy is sorry that there are times you feel left out or feel it is unfair because the truth is, it really is unfair. It is so hard to write this letter to you without tears. I know I put on too many expectations and responsibilities upon you. I know that it is unfair and many times I forget that I do it again.

I am unsure how you are so patient and understanding but I am also very thankful you are. I underestimate your ability, and often I’m truly amazed how reasonable you are. I forget sometimes you are just a 5 year old. Thank you for loving your siblings the way you do. Thank you for being you. Continue being exactly who you are, mommy is so proud of you. She will always be your number one fan along with the rest of your family.

 

 

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